With NUSHU, there’s something quite different. You can sense it from any + all interactions with the woman’s support network which runs as a community rooted in compassion, care, non-judgement + an unwavering deep belief in the innate strength we all possess within.
NUSHU was founded by Vanessa Cornell in New York City + has quickly become a safe space for people to connect in a very authentic + soulful way. I’ve been blessed to attend some groups + can attest to the beauty of it all. People aren’t there to be fixed but rather, at quite a profound level, held, heard + their stories as women credited without initial doubt or question. NUSHU is a place where you are believed + believed in, not to mention truly truly seen. The human need to feel validated, especially in this ever evolving yet isolating world we now live in, is fully palpable in the air of these past few years + NUSHU, as nurtured by the directional vision of Vanessa is quickly becoming the go-to safe place for women to find themselves within the tribe.
Here, I speak to Vanessa about how she identifies who she is at her core, her own personal journey within the need to validate herself solely for herself, all while still being all things to all aspects of her world.
HSF — Vanessa, tell us, beyond the roles we all play + often find placed upon us as we move through different stages of life - from mother, daughter, wife, friend, lover, founder, entrepreneur - who are you? Who is Vanessa at a soul level?
VC — I’m super curious. After spending my life chasing other peoples’ goals of success in school and at work, I realized the only thing that is going to keep me engaged and fascinated for the rest of my life is the study of the inner workings of human beings. I’m endlessly fascinated by what motivates us, why we make the choices we make, and what it is we’re supposed to be doing on this earth and the one short lifetime we’ve been given. I’m interested in other people but mostly I study myself. The insights gain, and being really really honest with myself about myself, end up being helpful to other people.
HSF — What do you consider your mission in this life?
VC — I’m still trying to determine this. Every day I ask myself this question. But my approach might be slightly different than others. I really believe that that question of what we’re supposed to do in our life is exactly the same question as who we are. Who are we, truly, at our core, before we built up our defenses and our coping strategies that disconnect us from our deep inner knowing and our innate divinity? If we can discover that, then I believe what we’re supposed to do becomes very obvious.
HSF — One of your beautiful gifts to the world so far is the creation of community + connection within the NUSHU container - for those new to NUSHU, can you please tell us about it + how it came to be..
VC — NUSHU came from a need to explore all of my inner questions with other people, in community. I had this intense energy to explore my inner landscape and a deep knowing that this work isn’t supposed to be done in isolation.
What I find really fascinating is this interplay between the fact that no one can do your work for you, but at the same time you can’t do it without other people. Essentially you are the only one who can find your answers in your self exploration. Only you can walk your path of healing and discovery. No one can tell you who you are or what to do. However, this solo work is not possible without a community around you. So it’s important to understand that you’re both completely in charge of your own process + also that it is not possible to do it alone.
HSF — Clearly creating + nurturing connections is a huge part of the NUSHU community. In a world where connections seem so readily available via the digitalisation of what links us; yet often in reality the authenticity of it all is becoming more fleeting. How can people nourish truthful connection + the link to others we really need as humans both IRL + online?
VC — There is a big difference between feeling deeply connected to people + simply being surrounded by people. You can have tons of people in your life + still feel incredibly lonely. The difference between true connection + merely brushing up against people is your willingness to actually show yourself to them. If you are not showing them your true self, then they are in relationship with your avatar, not you. If you are pretending, putting up a good front, or only showing the pretty, shiny sides of yourself, you can never be in true intimacy with someone because the person that they’re in a relationship with is not actually you. It takes a combination of courage + discernment, to be able to show people all sides of you, especially the messy, less flattering sides of you. But that is how you build connection: allowing people to see you not only at your best, but also at your worst.
HSF — On the idea of holding space for someone in our personal lives, how can we do this while also preserving inner boundaries, knowing where we can help without neglecting our own needs, thoughts, opinions, beliefs?
VC — This is a complex question and too much for the space allotted, but I will say that it is definitely a skill that we can build. I have a course within NUSHU dedicated to exactly this practice called How to Hold Space. What it comes down to is building awareness inside of ourselves, so that we can show up for another person without getting muddled by our own fears and stories. It’s also about getting clear on what is our experience + what is the other person’s experience. Ironically, when you learn how to show up as a powerful space holder, you actually end up protecting yourself + your energy at the same time. It is not a zero sum game where you have to compromise yourself to show up for the other person. Building your skills of holding space ends up benefiting you both.
HSF — Self-care, all too often, seems to just about scratch the surface of the depth of who we really are + what we need. It’s been commercialised in every way now. Do you have any thoughts on what self-care truly means beyond the fluff + where people can begin to go deeper at an absolute level?
VC — Self care. It’s become such a buzz word hasn’t it + has been co-opted by the wellness industry to mean products + massages + other things that you can spend money on. That’s my first issue with self-care: that it’s become an industry. My second issue with self-care is that there’s this projection that there’s a one size fits all way of doing it. And it all has to do with more + better. More exercise is better, more meditation is better, more journaling is better, more supplements are better. When we can’t fulfill all of these “mores”, we end up feeling badly about ourselves. Self-care is about one fundamental thing: taking the time to pause + understand what you need to nourish you in the moment. And deciding that what you need matters. Sometimes it’s action + sometimes it’s rest. Sometimes it’s more exercise + sometimes it’s less. Sometimes it’s meditation + sometimes it’s permission to skip meditation. You cannot engage in self-care, while having a view on whether something is better or worse. The only question is: what do I need in this moment?
HSF — How do you maintain your own identity + honour your own place in this life beyond the natural requisites of the roles you play?
VC — That’s easy. It’s absolutely non-negotiable. I ask myself these four questions every day, all day: How do I feel? What do I need? What do I want? Who am I? When you ask this of yourself all the time you realize how important it is to honor the answers that come through. This practice makes it very clear when things in my life don’t align with the answers to those questions. If they don’t align, I have zero time for them. We have such a limited amount of time on this planet. I believe that it is available to everyone to live a life of complete alignment, or as close as we can get to complete alignment with who we are. I will not waste a single moment of my energy doing anything that compromises that.
HSF — It seems the journey of self-discovery is the de-conditioning of what we’ve learned to become rather than who, perhaps, we authentically are. Do you feel this happens in different ways at each stage in a woman’s life + what has your experience been thus far?
VC — There’s a reason that many women go through a midlife crisis. There is a point at which the conditioning that has built up over a lifetime is so dissonant with who we are that our inner voice starts to scream at us that something has to change. It’s often a painful and messy. I went through it myself. But at some point we can no longer keep living a lie + pretending that the life we’ve built is the life that’s meant for us.
I think women in their 40s have this tremendous opportunity to start to claim who they are if they haven’t done so so far. For many motherhood breaks us wide-open. And for others, we finally realize we are sleepwalking through life + simply putting one foot in front of the other. We ask ourselves what the hell am I doing? Is this the way I’m going to live the rest of my life? These are the women I love to work with because I’ve been there I get it. And I want to say to them there is so much more for you. You can live a life that is alive + vibrant + exciting + fulfilling + full of close + intimate relationships with the people you love. You can show up for others + yourself at the same time.
HSF — And on that note, when we’ve found identity in parts of ourselves that no longer serve us, how can we detach from what we no longer need?
VC — Again, there’s this beautiful way that when we discover who we truly are + become really grounded + rooted in that, it becomes very obvious what we need to shift + let go of. If that’s people, they may have a hard time + there may be pain or grief involved in that process, but our deep grounding in who we are allows us to weather any of those storms with both full conviction + tremendous love + compassion.
HSF — As humans we all exist constantly between the healer + the healed. There’s always someone ahead + someone behind, just as we are to others. Yet there is a lot of unsolicited advice, ‘expert’ opinions + sometimes dangerously authoritative directive information within the self-development + wellness space. Personally, the only thing that’s worked for me is trying a million things + compiling my own treasure box of what works. Do you have any advice for those in that place of total overwhelm? Where do people start?
VC — It’s not an easy road + you’re right it’s very crowded with conflicting messages. I would offer a couple of points of guidance.
Number one. Steer clear of anyone who tells you what to do or what you should think or projects an aura of authority. Nobody knows what’s right for you but you. If somebody is trying to tell you that they know what is right for you, run in the other direction.
The second thing I would say is that if you really want to make change, you need to treat this like your full-time job. Now I’m not suggesting we quit our jobs. I’m suggesting that we are capable of multiple full-time jobs at the same time, especially women and mothers. My point is that you need to really prioritize this + take it seriously. It does not get relegated to the very last item on the list, the thing you get to once you’ve taken care of + satisfied everyone else’s needs. If you approach your own healing as a nice to have + not a must have, you will not make any changes. The first thing is you have to decide it matters. Then you fight for it. There is so much healing just in the process of making that decision.
The third thing I‘d suggest is finding quiet from the noise of life today. It can feel sometimes near impossible, but how or where you find your feet most firmly on the ground between what requires your attentions speaks volumes.
I actually spend a ton of time alone in my home office. Once the kids go to school, I would say between 8 and 3 PM, I’m almost always alone + in the quiet. That’s what I need to fuel me as I’m very introverted. I pace myself in terms of energy output + being around people. I’ve gotten good at not over-filling my capacity, + my team is amazing in helping me protect my energy.
HSF — Do you have any non-negotiables in your day?
VC — When you’ve got five kids + two businesses + a busy household to run, you have to be flexible. I have found that putting my stake in the ground about doing something at a certain time every day or even every day simply always gets upended. My nonnegotiable is that I am constantly checking in with how I’m doing: how I feel + what I need. I can be flexible to a point, but I’ve always got my own needs in mind, + I take care of myself. So yeah, I can go a day or two with not enough rest but then I make the space to get the rest I need. My nonnegotiable is that I never let my needs go unattended for long enough that I’m feeling resentful or burned out. I’m not always the first priority, but I’m always one of the priorities. Both the needs of my family AND my needs get taken care of, not always all at the same time but all eventually. I am absolutely in the mix of people who have needs that matter. That is not negotiable.
HSF — Your favourite piece of advice or approach to your life by?
VC — The path to discovering yourself is paved with deep self honesty plus deep self compassion.
HSF — The book, movie, show + podcast that’s left a lasting effect..
VC — The book would be Razors Edge by William Somerset Maugham. Battlestar Galactica as a TV show + Elena Brower’s interview with Meggan Watterson on her Practice You podcast.
HSF — What are you most interested in learning about at this stage in your life?
Me.
HSF — What’s next for NUSHU?
I’m working on a course for mothers to reclaim themselves that I’m really excited about. We also have a number of amazing retreats coming up. I would love for you to join us!
